Men's Lifestyle Magazine Blog
I am often digging through various forums and message boards, focussing on the region I live in. These message boards are there to help newcomers find their way. One interesting question I find being asked over and over again, is how to gain friends, and build a social life after having moved into a new area, far away from home.
In fact, being employed myself at the time, the flow of building social circles changes over time, and for a working person it much different (not more difficult, but different) to build a social circle than for example someone who goes to college or university. This is even espcially true, if you have been used to living in a smaller town or city, and have moved to a large metropolitan area, where social dynamics tend to be slightly different.
During school, college, and university, making friends happens virtually automatically. You may be following the same classes, work together in work groups, and last but not least you are young and out there to have fun… lot of fun. For some part you can schedule your work whenever you want, and there is nothing in your way to have fun.
This abrubtly ends with graduation, and the first employment; well, at least for many of us. Working times are pre-set and often not very flexible, at the end of a long working day you often feel tired, and do not have the motivation to go out and do something active. At the workfloor, you might meet loads of new people, but you are confronted with an additional problem: you want a career, and so do these people. This makes finding true friends at the work floor a bit more difficult, since there is a basic portion of mistrust already present. This might not be true for all companies, but it is true for many.
Therefore, the dynamic and automatic flow of meeting people, attending parties, and having a lot of fun, ends with graduation, especially if you are moving to a new city further away, and don’t know anyone. Especially if you are moving to a bigger city, which is more prone to status, people tend to react colder and more aggressive than in a smaller town.
One thing, which could perhaps apply immediately, is to attend networking events in your region. You can find such events on webistes such as Eventful.com, Networking Events Finder or Meetup.com. Now, networking might not instantly get you a circle of close friends, but it’s a first step. Have some personal business cards at hand, and remember to connect to people using Linkedin, Facebook, or whatever portal you prefer, in order to stay in touch. Reconnect frequently, meet up regularly, and deepend the relationship. It’s important to keep the ball rolling.
People with large social circles are very active people. They have a lot of activities, lots of hobbies, and get around quite a bit, seldomly spending time doing nothing, watching television or playing games. One aspect of building a social network I find very useful is to join a club of some sort. This could be a sports club, such as martial arts, boxing, sailing, or whatever sport you prefer. Or it may be more of an artistic nature, such as photography, a painting course, or a language course. Many people, who join such clubs, are not there just for the sports, but also for meeting people.
What I find very useful, is to at least make an attempt to meet my neighbors. I might not immediately go up to their door and ring the bell (although sometimes I do), but at least start a little conversation when I see them. I have many friends, who don’t even know who their neighbors really are, apart from recognizing them by appearance. It’s a typical phenomenon in big cities. Still, knowing your neighbors might get you invited to a party or another, and they will also be much more open to addressing you directly in a friendly way if there is some sort of issue, instead of calling the police immediately. I have to admit, that some individuals are simply not capable of being friendly, but let that be their problem.
I have to admit, this is not for everyone. But if you are open, friendly, and not shy, you may want to simply go out alone, and approach people on the street, in a bar, in the park, in the supermarket, or at an exhibition. Perhaps you can start by saying “I am new in town, and looking for …”, or whatever you are looking for. Often is only takes a few contacts, or an invitation to one or two events or parties to get the ball rolling. Through your network, you might again meet new new people, and so on.
One major reason why many people have very small social circles, and are unable to enlarge them, is due to their shyness. If you consider yourself shy or socially anxious, or if you are hesitant to approach strangers and start conversations, then you might consider overcoming your shyness. Shyness has many causes, and can be it may be reduced with different methods. Fact is, however, that it is great burden and hinders you in leading a fulfilling social life.
I hear recently from my doctor, that psychologists all over the world are experiencing an increasing work load. Burn out syndromes are more common, people are more isolated, and various dating portals are booming, which keeps people behind their computers rather than getting them out on the streets. Sometimes, when I speak with people, I cannot let go of that feeling that many people are literally forgetting how to build and maintain open, interesting social contacts and interactions. And not just that; phone numbers are deleted from digital phone books just as fast as they had been saved in the first place, at the first sign of a potential conflict, or stressful moment. No wonder that 50% of all people in the city I live in are single, and probably many of them are unhappy.
I love women… no, in fact I adore them. I love to meet people as a matter of fact; making new friends, networking, and the like. Now, starting a conversation should be no big deal, usually it isn’t. But at some times, I can’t help it that my mind goes completely blank; this is especially true, when I spot a female being, which is truly astonishing, and breath taking. I know, this is supposed to be another conversational starter post, and it might be a bit cheesy. But if it’s that cheesy, why do guys keep starting conversations with lines such as “Baby, it must have hurt when you came falling from heaven”? I don’t get it.
Additionally, as I keep meeting throughout my life, I notice how difficult it is, or it must be, for many people to get in touch with others. They will literally go through great lengths to strike up a conversation, overseeing the absolute obvious. Okay, I have to admit: I used to be a bit shy during my younger years myself, and I wish I had a ‘manual’ like this one at that time.
“Hi”
The most simple and easy way to start a conversation is a plain and simple “hi”. Be sure to smile when you say it, be relaxed, and greet her by means of genuine interest. Don’t try to be sexy when saying it, don’t try to be overly masculine, just plain and simple, short and friendly. It’s an ice breaker. Perhaps she won’t respond positively to it… perhaps she just got fired, or a good friend ended up in hospital. You never know what mood she is in for sure. But you can try and read her body language before starting a conversation. Sometimes you can spot from a mile away, that she is simply not in the mood. Usually a “hi” should be followed by something. You may want to introduce yourself, although that might in some cases be a bit direct. Or continue with one of the following below.
“What do you think about…”
One conversational starter I love to use in shops, or when window shopping, is “what do you think about…”. You can fill out any item on the dots. Show her the trousers you are about to buy, or the watch, or the t-shirt. Ask her what she thinks about it… women love giving advice, and their experience in fashion matters are definitely more distinctive than that of men, or your mother. Additionally, she is more neutral than a sales person, who is more focussed on selling.
The main reason why I love to use this starter in a shopping environment is, because it is so natural. You are asking her an opinion, but it doesn’t come out of the blue. The opinion is in the context of the environment you are both in. Alternatively, you can give HER some advice. If you see a woman looking at some items, and she seems indecisive, make a statement of how good (or not good… in which case you should be ready to state why, and make an alternative suggestion) it would look on her. If you are in a bookstore, you may want to give her some advice on a book she is checking out, which you happened to have read. However, whatever you do, make it sincere.
“I saw you … and I noticed …”
Sometimes you see someone, who blows your mind away. She is simply astonishing, and you have to meet her. Now in my case, this is usually the typical type of situation, where my mind goes blank. And suddenly, I start thinking of what to stay, in order to start a conversation, which for some unexplained reason let my mind come up with these typical cheesy pickup lines described above. It’s not cool at all.
But, I do consider myself a sincere person, and if she is so astonishing, then there must be something that astonishes me. Good, she might have the perfect looks, but it can’t be that. Let’s be honest, how superficial can a person get, if good looks dominates his passion for a woman. There must be more… perhaps she has the cutest smile which brightens my day. Or perhaps her eyes are sparkling so fiercely, that it’s an eye magnet. Or her walk is so gracious as if she could walk over water.
When I find the one thing that took my breath away, I’d go up to her, and say for example “Hey, I saw you standing there, and you just brightened my day with the cutest smile I have seen this entire week”. Just as an example. The perfect situation, at least for myself, arises when she notices my focussed look on her, and she looks back, after which we exchange smiles. That is basically a direct invitation to engage into conversation with her. This conversational started could be applied anywhere. Perhaps you notice she has an Italian accent, and you happen to plan a trip to Italy soon. You can start by saying “Hi, I noticed your Italian accent… I am planning a trip to Italy this summer, what would you recommend me to see in one week time?”.
I remember once, in a bar in my home town, I had been exchanging some eye contact with a girl I saw. Now, at that time, I was there with a good friend of mine, whom I haven’t seen for a long time, so I focussed on him rather than on her. When she left, she passed me, and as she did I told her “I like you smile”. She stroke my cheek with her hand, and returned the compliment. She left. I remember having the biggest grin, from ear to ear. And so did she, probably.
“Can you tell me what/where/how …”
Asking people questions is a perfect way to start conversations. Especially if you are visiting a city you don’t know, or you are new in town, in the beginning you will need to get in touch with people. You could ask them where the central railway station is, or what parts in town are good or bad living areas, or how the nightlife in the city is, and what she would recommend you.
These openers are just the very tip of the iceberg, and I very much enjoy to deepen a conversation as far as the current situation allows it. By the way, these don’t just apply to girls, but it’s a great way to broaden your network, and make friends. I have to admit, living in a large and cosmopolitan city does not make it quite easy; often, people are caught in their own world, they are in a hurry, they presume you want something from them (often: money), or they are simply not used to it being approached by a complete stranger, who in despite of all prejudices is friendly and relaxed. It often requires a skin as thick as that of an elephant to not get affected by it. But so what; it they want to be petulant, so let them be.
I am a big fan of message boards, especially the travel related ones. I often encounter questions about how to plan a tour across Europe, what are the best places to visit, and how much it costs. Although I often send a small reply with some hints and tips, I thought it might be helpful to write a post about this. So, for all of you who are planning a tour throughout Europe, here are 7 common questions I encountered.
1. Which cities are worth visiting?
Although being a small continent, Europe offers such a great diversity, that it is a difficult question to answer. If you want to see the whole of Europe, you will need at least a couple of months to discover the continent. If you, like most people, have limited time and a limted budget, you may want to focus on one part of Europe. In my opinion, everyone should have visited at least the capital city of the country he is visiting. Especially noteworthy are Amsterdam, Berlin, Paris, Rome, Prague, Riga, London, Vienna, and Budapest. Depending on your time and area focus, you may decide to visit the capital cities only, or focus on one or a few country only.
2. How much time will it take to travel between cities?
This very much depends on the means of public transportation you are taking. Typically, you may calculate about 1 hour per 100 kilometers if you are traveling by car, mainly on the highways, or by train. Should you want to travel by airplane, you could think about 1 hour travel time per 500 kilometers, plus 1.5 hours before as well as after the flight plus the time to get to the airport. At some locations, the airport might be located further away from the city. For example, the Frankfurt Airport Hahn (not to be confused with Frankfurt Airport, code FRA, which is located directly next to Frankfurt) is located at a 1.5 hour drive from Frankfurt city, which is only reachable by road transportation.
For more information on European airports, the website Europe Airports gives some good airport information, its distance to the city, and the flights available.
3. How much does it cost to travel throughout Europe
Europe has a well-developed transportation network, both via airplane as well as train or bus. If you prefer air travel, you may want to take a closer look at the many low-cost carriers (LCC) in Europe, or additionally verify special offers at the websites of the regular aviation companies. Flight may vary from a few Euros on LCCs to a few hundred Euros on regular flights, or more. Flying usually only pays out for distances longer than 400 kilometers, and on connections where high-speed trains are not available.
Alternatively, Europe has a very dense rail network. The rail network may be divided into high-speed trains, such as the Eurostar connecting France, Belgium and the UK. At the time of writing, Eurostar has offerings starting from 88 Euros. In Germany, the Deutsche Bahn connects many larger German cities with each other, and it offers connections to Amsterdam and Paris. The Deutsche Bahn currently has specials for a one-way ticket from Frankfurt to Amsterdam starting from 39 Euros. But these contingents are gone fast, so you need to book well in advance. Within France, the TGV offers a high-speed connection, and the Thalys connects The Netherlands with Belgium and France. A one-way ticket from Amsterdam to Brussels can be bought already starting from 25 Euros, to Paris starting from 35 Euros.
Should you want to do a larger journey throughout Europe, you may want to consider to buy a Eurail Train Pass. These passes allow you to travel for a limited time in one country, a region within Europe, or all of Europe, for a fixed amount. One-country passes start at 39 Euros.
One of the cheapest ways to get around is by bus. The company Eurolines offers connections to over 500 destinations in Europe, both national as well as international ones. They start from 10 Euros for shorter distances, going upwards.
4. How about tramping?
I would not recommend tramping, since you don’t know who is taking you along. Especially as a foreigner, you will be more likely to be ripped of, as you may not be aware of local customs, and you do not have the necessary network available to fix things, like back home. Should you really want to go cheap, I’d recommend to take the bus, or try to fix a ride through one of the many portals. You might want to check out Couchsurfing, and see if somone can take you somewhere, or try the German portal Mitfahrtgelegenheit.
5.What budget do I need for a one-week trip through Europe?
It’s hard to say, it very much depends where you want to go. Each European country, even regions within one country, have different standards of living. Thus, visiting a country with a high living standard will cost you much more than those with a low living standard.
For example, a coffee in the city center of Paris, Amsterdam, or London can cost you quickly 4 or 5 Euros, lunch may cost somewhere between 10 and 20 Euros. In Bulgaria, on the other hand, you can get a good meal for 5 Euros.
Your budget really depends on the comfort you are looking for, and where you are traveling. I would estimate an average of 50 Euros per day, without hotel and transportations, if you want to see something of the city and enjoy its culture.
I have seen some people, asking whether they can get by for two weeks with 300 Euros. This is very unlikely.
6. What is the cheapest way to visit Europe?
The question is, how cheap do you want it to get? Remember, cheaper also means being able to ‘taste’ less of its culture, and a loss of comfort. As to transportation, I would definitely recommend traveling by bus. As to lodging, you may want to check for opportunities at Couchsurfing, or book a cheap hostel for the night.
7. I need a sponsor to obtain a visum. Can someone sponsor me?
I know, for many countries with a low living standard, it is very difficult to obtain a visum to enter the Shengen area. Often, obtaining a visum requires a very large deposit and follows a large number of strict rules.
Few people, if any, are willing to sponsor or invite a stranger. The reason is, that a specific liability rests upon the sponsor, in case the traveler commits a crime, goes bankrupt, or similar. The European Union is very affraid of travelers coming into the European Union area, looking for work or a permanent residence, or staying in the Union illegally.
8. How strict are the customs?
All I can say is, that they are very strict. Please be sure to inform yourself well in advance what you are able to import to the European Union, and what not. Also, be sure not to import any goods exceeding the maximum allowed value. Everything you import should be for your own use. Should some items be new or recently purchased, be sure to remove the labels and make it look ‘worn’. Only take with you as much as you need. Best is, you refrain from importing any meat or dairy products, as well as anythig which might be illegal.
Usually, custom officers will look for reasons to fine you where possible; if they find something, you will be in the position of proving otherwise – this is almost always impossible.
Additionally, customs will not listen to ‘I didn’t know’. When entering customs, and you pass through the green gate, you are legally stating that you luggage is in good order. Should they still find anything later, your fine might be doubled.
For a long time during my life, I thought that women were seeking out to have long-lasting, monogamous relationships with men. So, what I did like many men, is pretend that I was looking for the same thing. Even though I was only having a one-night stand in my mind, or even if I was intending to share her with other women.
Now, years later, I recognize that women are often longing for one-night stands, or affairs, just like men. In fact, I discovered for myself a step-by-step kind of plan, with which I feel most comfortable when meeting a woman I sexually desire in some way:
I used to hide these 5 steps from women I met, until I discovered something interesting: when women discovered their non-exclusive role in our relationship, they often didn’t become upset because the relationship was non-exclusive, but simply because I didn’t tell them. I find it sometimes astonishing how many women will enter into a sexual relationship, that is fun, exciting, but non-exclusive. Naturally, I give them the same privilege as I give myself; they are free to sleep with other men. However, whatever happens, there is one golden rule:
Whatever happens with a woman, stays between us. She is free to know that I might sleep with someone else, but she shall not experience who it is, what her name is, nor what we did. Never, ever.
Not all women will want to go along with my set of rules, which is okay. I highly value a certain degree of honesty, and I find it much more satisfying to lose a girl at the beginning of the process, because she is not okay with my way of getting to know women, than that I lose a girl later in the relationship, the hard way. And the older women become, the harder it is for them to play along. A single woman in her early thirties, who is very much focussed on finding a life partner and having children, is much less likely to play along than a younger women, who has time; the time involved to get to step 5 of my little plan, and the risk involved that I might not make her to my little queen, is simply to great.
A friend of mine once told me, that the ideal age for a woman follows the following formula:
(your age / 2) + 7
Now that I think about it, there might be some truth in there…
As we grow up, we are often told by our parents and peer groups to go to school, get good grades, enjoy education and to get a good and secure job at a company. We strive to gain wealth by working hard, and fighting for promotions and salary raises. At the same time, we try to get ourselves comfortable lives: a nice apartment, a car, fashionable clothing, and good lifestyle in general. We use credit cards and loans to finance things for which we do not yet have money readily available, and often use out monthly salaries to pay off debt and mortgages. Then, as we grow older and our demands to life grow, we marry, get children, perhaps bigger estates, and we work even harder to keep up with the rising costs of living.
In his book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert T. Kiyosaki calls this the rat race. Most people are so much taught during childhood and adolescence that this is the one and only way to achieve success and wealth, that this is the natural way to go for most people. At the same time time, each month when we receive our salaries we get disappointed; is this little salary all we get from hours and hours of hard work each month?
Robert T. Kiyosaki tells the story of aboy (himself) growing up with two dads; one “poor” dad, working his ass off for others and always struggling with financial problems his entire life, and a “rich” dad, who understands the laws of finance and making investments; whereas the poor dad works for his money, the money works for the rich dad.
Rich Dad, Poor dad is a well-written guide, in which the reader is drawn into the mind and way of thinking of an entrepreneur. The book discusses the basics of how income is earned and spent, and the differences of how the rich and the poor generate and spend money. Furthermore, the book offers a good introduction to the role of taxes, and what there is to do in order to escape the rat race and start leading a rich and fulfilling life.
The best about this book is the fact, that it does not focus on starting your own business, or anything similar. In stead, it focuses on how to correctly handle money, and how to develop the ability to identify business opportunities in its broadest sense. It is a highly motivating book, which will change the way you look at work and earning money for sure.
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